Tuesday, March 22, 2011

The Choices I had to Make

When it comes to topics related to "residency training", I tend to be sensitive and emotional.  Call me onion-skinned or whatever, but maybe some people don't realize that not having to push through with my residency was not just a matter of choice, but of circumstances.  I had to prioritize my kids over career.  I have no regrets about what happened, but sometimes I think that it was a decision I never would have to make if I'd chosen a residency program in our place.

But being a wife, I had an obligation to be where my husband was.  Since he decided to apply for a residency training in Cebu, I guess it was just natural that I apply for a Cebu-based hospital as well.  It sounded easy, but was actually a difficult decision to make because I had to leave both my kids with my parents.  I was accepted for pre-residency training in Internal Medicine at the Visayas Community Medical Center.  I kept convincing myself this was the right thing to do, but I was having a hard time believing it.  I was losing my focus on what I was supposed to do at work because my mind would drift away.  I missed my kids terribly and I felt miserable.

There was only one thing in my mind and in my heart.  I wanted to be with my kids.  So I left residency training, looked for another job, and after a month Ross and I left the room that we were renting and moved to a new apartment.  Shortly after that, I fetched my kids and brought them to Cebu.

But the decision I made would be the start of a never ending argument between me and my hubby.  He would always nag me when I would go back into residency, or compare me to my friends who are already into training.  I tried to explain that it was a sacrifice I had to make because I wanted us to be together as a family,  I wanted to focus my time on taking care of him and the kids.  Maybe he does not realize how painful it is for me to be constantly reminded of how well my batch mates are doing in their chosen specializations.  If he only knew that I miss being in the hospital and that I've been longing to wear my scrubs and smock gown again.  It was not an easy decision for me to make, I worked hard to be a doctor, and I was turning my back on something that I have always dreamed of.  It hurts to realize that the person I was hoping would understand me was being stubborn and idealistic about the whole situation.

It has been 2 years since I made that decision, and never for a moment do I regret ever making that choice.  I know Ross still feels disappointed whenever that topic would come up, but unlike before he has not been pressuring me that much, (except when he has consumed a few drinks).  I hope he sees how happy I am, and even if he may not fully understand it, I  pray that he loves me enough to respect the decision I made. 


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2 comments:

  1. I can relate! Well, not to the part about actually wanting to do residency, but to the pressure from other people. Some people just don't understand that residency is not for everybody. It takes courage to choose the road less traveled but don't worry Chin, there are actually a lot of us out there. :)

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  2. Thanks Gay. I miss being in the hospital sometimes, but I have accepted the fact that residency training is not for me as well. I find fulfillment in being able to spend time with my kids, I love being a mother more than anything else in the world. I am happy where I am, and I appreciate the fact that there are people out there like you who understands where I am coming from.

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